This year has been a particularly hard year. We had to sell our house and it was a short sale. We had renters in there but they were constantly late and flooded my upstairs bathroom which required tearing out of flooring and subflooring. On top of that, my husband was working crazy hours. We are talking 6 in the morning to almost 10 at night. Why? Well, he had a boss that thought that all this stuff needed to be done and cater to people that really weren't in charge. It put a toll on my sanity and our marriage. Which in turn meant I never worked out and I picked up some really bad habits to cope.
A couple of those bad habits: soda and fattening food. All that equals a weight gain. I am actually at my heaviest now than I was just before my husband deployed in 2007. After the birth of my first, I ate like I was still pregnant and I gained quite a bit. I was 170 when he left. When he came back I was around 160 and upon getting pregnant, I lost 30 pounds within the first 3 months of my pregnancy. I gained it all back but it was easier to lose the second time around.
After the birth of my third, my weight fluctuated. It hovered around 155 to 165. Then I got pregnant with my fourth. The weight gain during that pregnancy was normal. Nothing to dramatic. I didn't lose a lot in the beginning like my previous pregnancies but I did gain 25-30 pounds. My weight now is what I weighed when I gave birth to my daughter in 2013.
I lost about 20 pounds after she was here but by Christmas 2013, that all changed. The weight gain started happening. This is also the time that my husband's schedule was erratic, the issues with the house started happening, and I became an emotional/comfort eater.
So what is my current weight? 182. That is embarrassing. My mother is overweight to the point it has cause her to have surgeries on her knees and shoulders because of the weight she carries. My grandmother is overweight too. Albeit she isn't near what my mom is and does try to eat better and get what exercise she can. I'll also give her a break to as she is in her 70's. My aunt isn't overweight. She actually walks 6-10 miles a day. She is my inspiration in so many ways.
I've always had body issues. Most of that stems from how my mother viewed her body and how my dad reacted. Top that being a dancer and I was always trying to make my tummy flatter. I have always had what they call the mom pooch. That was until I went to bootcamp. All that walking, running, exercising....It did me good, but like so many people, once out of bootcamp, I just strived to pass the PT tests.
So here I stand at 182 and I kick myself in the butt on why I thought I was fat and ugly at 160, 155, 145, 130. I feel awful now. I have started my 30's in the worst shape of my life and if I don't do anything about it, I'm on the road to health problems. I don't want that.
I want health. I want fitness. I want energy. I want life. I want to be happy. I want to feel beautiful again.
I am currently aware that many of my problems in the view of my body are unhealthy and I need to change that mind set. I'm also aware that because I haven't been eating well or exercising, I'm depressed about it. Not depressed in the sense that I need medication but depressed that I let myself get this way.
I have weaknesses. I am strong in so many areas but weak in just as many. For this I must humble myself in order to be successful. I don't feel I have unrealistic goals but I do feel I have unrealistic expectations of how hard it is going to be to get there.
Here are my fitness goals:
- Goal weight of 145
- No more soda
- Limited amount of sweets
- Exercise 3-5 times a week
- Run my first 5k before I turn 31
All of it is going to be hard. I may not get to 145. My body may have changed so much from having kids and still breastfeeding that 145 is not attainable to me. But I'm sure going to try.
Soda - It really is a drug. I have an addiction. I will get stomach aches and nausea if I go a few days with out it. It is definitely like I am on a bend. I have been getting better at drinking my tea though. Baby steps.
Sweets - Who doesn't love sweets. Problem is I love a lot of sweets made with HFCS (high fructose corn syrup). I'm not nearly addicted to this as soda and there was a period of about a year that we almost completely cut it out of our diet. So this won't be a problem as long as I find healthier alternatives,
Exercise - This is going to be hard. I have a lot on my plate. Homeschooling, a business, house cleaning, young children....At the end of the day I'm exhausted but I'd rather be exhausted from getting fit than exhausted from not being able to catch my breath.
Running - I loathe it. Probably because it hurts, I don't have great form, and need really good shoes. There was a point that I did it easily but now I just feel like a failure. I will do it though. Why? Because I need to.
And here's a bonus....I want to look in the mirror and say "Dang! I look good" and then that confidence radiates into the bedroom with my husband. That sweet guy of mine. I know no matter what that I will be beautiful to him. 182 pounds or 145 pounds he will still think I'm beautiful. The issue is I want to feel that way!
I haven't decided if I want to post a before picture. To be quite honest, I'm very embarrassed. I may. If I don't, I may provide my measurements at the very least. I still have some soul searching to do on this subject. I also am waiting for a few items to come in. So while the meal plan overhaul and exercise plan may not go into full fruition until December 1st, I can still work on my sweets and no soda.
So here I go. I've poured all my time and energy into other people, that in order to continue giving them 100%, I have to pour some into myself. I'll be honest, I'm scared and excited.